Robin's Insane Parental Scandal Of Awesome
by Thomas Tom Tom
Summary: Robin calls his mum. Guest starring THE GODDAMN BATMAN. *trumpet fanfare* DaddyBats, MummyCat, Robin being weird, the whole shebang. Chapter 2 up! Superman bites off more than he can ever, ever possibly chew.
1. ADRENALINE PHONING

**A/N: This is not a story. It is distilled madness. Written after a late night conversation with psychic soul whose stories are good and you should read. **

**Beta readed by two of my friends, both of which are insane and for some reason demanded I upload this. **

**God dammit, you all pressured me into translating it. You people are no fun. Oh well. Check the end for the translatory shiz.  
**

**Have fun!  
**

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**Robin's Insane Parenting Scandal of Awesome**

_Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. _

10:42 at night. The tension in the room was so thick you could cut it with a knife.

"First question: Who gave Robin thirty adrenaline doses in two seconds?"

No one answered Batman, but Artemis slowly and mortifiedly put her hand up in the air. Batman glared at her.

"_Explain."_ he said, in the tone of voice that would have had Doomsday, Zod and the Guardians of the Universe running for cover.

"Well, I was going to s...shoot a tranq arrow at Wally, to shut him up, but I accidentally _missed _and I hit Robin, thenIfoundoutIusedthewrongarrowsorryBatmanpleaseIw anttolivedon'tkillme."

"_Second question: Where. Is. Robin." _Batman drew himself up to his full, intimidating six-foot-11 height.

Wally gulped more air that anyone could possibly need ever. "We sort of...um..._lost_ him...Batman...Um...sir?"

Batman sighed and said "Wally, hold my belt." He took of the belt in question and dropped it into Wally's hands.

"Wow, that's really cool. Hey, what does this button do?"

_Beep. _

_ZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP! _

Wally crumpled to the floor, after about 50,000 volts ran through him. Batman casually picked the belt up and clicked it back around his waist.

"M'gann. Telepathy. Robin. Find. _Now." _

M'gann's eyes glowed their customary green for almost five minutes.

"His mind keeps bouncing around and it's hard to pin down a location, but I think he's in the hangar."

Batman span around and strode to the hanger bay, cape billowing behind him and five nervous teenagers (well, four walked and Artemis dragged Wally by the ankle) trailing along at a distance.

When they reached the hangar bay, Batman was already there and talking to the rafters.

"Robin, ai de gând să cobori de acolo orice moment în curând?" **(1)**

"În nici un caz, tată. Îmi place capriori. Sunt rece. Unde a plecat toată lumea?" **(2)**

"_What language is that?" _Artemis asked mentally.

"_No idea." _Connor replied through the mind-link. "_Sounds European or something." _

"Hei, tată? Știi că echipa este așezat chiar în fața ușii, ascultând tot ce vorbim?" Robin chirped. **(3)**

"Desigur, Robin. Se pare că ai uitat că eu sunt nenorocita de Batman." Batman said, turning towards the door. "Te-ai calmat încă?" **(4)**

"Mmhm." Robin said, flipping down from the rafters. "Artemis ... Hãy đến và chơi!" **(5)**

"What did you say!?" Artemis jumped out from behind the doorframe. "I do _not _"play", especially when you tell me to!"

"So, Robin, what did you specifically do while you were higher than Kiteman on a windy day?" Batman asked.

"Not much. Hacked the NSA. Tried to hack the Vatican. They changed their password from "W3L0V3POP3" again. Oh, wait...I think...I phoned Mamă...and I honestly think she's on her way over."

Batman facepalmed. "Oh, _tae_. You just _had _to, didn't you."**(6)**

"Sorree. Just saying, you should probably tell the League about her already."

The team watched the exchange with interest. _Batman's married? Batman's Robin's FATHER? And why hasn't Batman told the League?_

"_RECOGNISED HOSTILE CONTACT: Ccca- SYSTEM OVERRIDE: ACCESS CLEARANCE: A-02. WELCOME TO MOUNT JUSTICE."_

An athletically built woman in a tight catsuit and tall, high heeled boots with a whip and some bola on her belt stepped out of the glowing Zeta tube and clicked over to Batman and Robin.

"Baby Bird! It's been _ages..._why didn't you call before? I missed you!" she said, kissing Robin on the cheek and ruffling his black hair.

Batman was trying to sneak out of the room without anyone noticing, and he was doing a pretty good job of it too, until the woman (apparently, the team surmised, his wife) turned on her heel and caught him by the neck with a crack of her whip.

"We have a really abusive relationship, I hope you know that." Batman coughed.

The Bat-wife gave a burst of tinkling laughter. "I think that's only the second time you've made a joke since we met. Now," she said, narrowing her red-goggle-covered eyes, "why didn't you tell me you didn't tell the League about me?"

"I didn't think you cared."

"Well, I do. Anyway," she directed this at both Batman and Robin, "We are going home now, so A can shout at _you _two and I can actually sleep already, because Harley and Ivy have been _driving me crazy! _Do you know how hard it is kicking two deranged, PMSing girls with superpowers out of a jeweller's shop when you're sleep deprived? And _then _have to deal with Firefly's _awful _flirting while explaining that your boyfriend is the Goddamn Batman, and it's really not a good idea to piss him off, and also worrying about you two on black ops missions that you could get yourselves killed on..."

The team stood there staring while the Bat-Wife/Girlfriend pushed Batman into the Zeta tube and Robin cartwheeled after them, waving and telling them he'd be back in the morning.

When they had left, the entire Cave was resoundingly silent for at least three minutes straight, due to the team standing there gaping.

Kid Flash gulped.

"What...what was that?"

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**(1) - Romanian: "Robin, are you going to come down any time soon?" **

**(2) - Romanian: "No way, Dad. I like the rafters. They're cool. Where's everyone gone?" **

**(3) - Romanian: "Hey, Dad? You know that the team is sitting right outside the door, listening to every word we say?"**

**(4) - Romanian: "Of course, Robin. You seem to have forgotten that I'm the Goddamn Batman." **

**(4) - Romanian: "Have you calmed down?"  
**

**(5) - Vietnamese: "Artemis...come out and play!"**

**(6) - Filipino (psychic soul XD): "Shit."**

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**AND ALSO! REVIEW REPLIES :D**

Emiko Sora: I might write more. Maybe. MAMA CATS IS AWESOME 3

psychic soul doesn't get a response, so there

**yuu101cutie:**** Here's your translation! Ta for the cookies. I might do a Chapter 2. **

**Guest: I love you too. ****  
**

**chocolatedream075: Keep the love coming. I like love. **


	2. Checkmate

**A/N: Damn, too many people liked this, so I had to write another chapter. **

**Oh, and while I have time to rant, GODAMMIT DC! STAHP SHIPPING BB/RAE ALREADY! IT'S NAUSEATING! BAKJHFSFA!**

***theme from "Rocky" plays while Tom systematically kills DC management***

**Anyway. Next crack-filled garbage dump of the mind coming right up. Review my brain's insanity. A lot. **

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**Checkmate**

"Well that was unexpected."

"No kidding."

Something suddenly hit Kid Flash. "Wait, wasn't that _Catwoman? _Who has a supercriminal for a mother, anyhow?"

Artemis hit him.

"Let me rephrase that: "Who has a whip-wielding, cat-burglar ninja-woman for a mother?"

"The same person who has _THE GODDAMN BATMAN _for a dad, evidently." Artemis said, hitting him again.

"_RECOGNISED: SUPERMAN, A-01; WONDER WOMAN, A-03; HAWKGIRL, A-06." _the Zeta beam computer lady interrupted.

Superman shot out of the tube, heat vision at the ready. Seeing no-one, he floated down to the ground.

"Kon-El, what happened? Someone hacked the Zeta tube systems. Did you see them?"

Superboy stretched and replied nonchalantly "Yeah, just Robin's mum. No big deal."

Wonder Woman flew over. "Robin has a mother?"

"Mmhmm, it's some cat lady."

"Cheetah?!"

"No." Kid Flash said. "Does Batman look like a furry to you? Apart from the dressing-up-as-a-giant-bat thing."

"_CATWOMAN?!" _

"That's the one." Artemis said, snapping her fingers.

"Where's Batman in all of this?" Hawkgirl asked, twirling her mace by the strap absently.

"Went home."

Superman and Wonder Woman had kittens; Hawkgirl just laughed. "That's very like him. Okay, team. To the Batcave!" she said, spreading her wings and pointing to the zeta tubes with her mace theatrically.

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"_RECOGNISED: SUPERMAN, A-01; WONDER WOMAN, A-03; HAWKGIRL, A-06. UNRECOGNISED CONTACTS: KID FLASH, ARTEMIS, SUPERBOY, MISS MARTIAN, AQUALAD. NEUTRALISE UNRECOGNISED CONTACTS." _the Batcave's harsh British-accented computer voice announced.

"Disengage security protocols. Password: 53L1N4 K7L3." a smooth female voice said from the Batcomputer.

"I wanted to see them fight off the training droid. You're no fun, Mama." Robin's distinctive cackle echoed about the cave.

"Robin." Batman's voice.

Superman cracked his neck menacingly. "Batman, you've got five seconds to explain this to me. Starting now."

Batman landed with a clang on the large circular panel the "intruders" were currently standing on in a flurry of bats.

"_Does he command those or something?" _Artemis whispered to Kid Flash.

"_Very probably." _

"I don't have to explain anything to you, Clark." Batman said, managing to sound more menacing than Superman without even trying. "And don't even bother trying to play the "secret identity" game, the cowl's lined with lead."

Robin grappled over to Catwoman, who was next to the Batcomputer. "Half a million says Tati's going to use the Kryptonite batarangs this time."

"$1 million says he'll use the grapnel gun. Just the grapnel gun." she replied.

"Can you not make bets while I'm threatening the _greatest hero in the universe, _please?" Batman growled.

"Have fun with that, dear. Baby Bird, $1 million or no breakfast tomorrow. I'm going to bed." Catwoman yawned and clicked off up the stairs.

"Whatever." Robin replied then turned back to the faceoff between Supes and Bats.

"Leave. Now."

"Not going to happen."

"Oh YOU DID NOT JUST REFUSE THE GODDAMN BATMAN!" Kid Flash shouted. "You goin' daaaaooown, bro!"

Batman held up his right gauntlet and deliberately pressed a holographic button, while he displayed the signature Bat Glare. Robin dropped down beside him, did the same and performed his own Bat-glare version; the Robin Squint.

An immense, four-barrelled anti-air gun with ominously green glowing shells evidently loaded into it unfolded from an innocuous-looking black bat-embossed box and made four very loud "Ch-chink!" noises.

"_Your move, Superman." _


End file.
